Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche

Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche

      Date: Thu, 6 Mar 1997 14:09:14 +0200
      From: Ricardo Szmit

      o Real Programmers don't eat quiche.
      They like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

      o Real Programmers don't write applications programs.
      They program right down on the bare metal.
      Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
      do systems programming.

      o Real Programmers don't write specs.
      Users should be grateful for whatever they get:
      They are lucky to get any programs at all.

      o Real Programmers don't comment their code.
      If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand
      and harder to modify.

      o Real Programmers don't document.
      Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or
      the object code from the dump.

      o Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts.
      Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation.
      Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.

      o Real Programmers don't read manuals.
      Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice
      and the coward.

      o Real Programmers don't write in RPG.
      RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

      o Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.
      COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a
      business, much less write a real program.

      o Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
      FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
      They get excited over finite state analysis
      and nuclear reactor simulation.

      o Real Programmers don't write in PL/1.
      PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't
      choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

      o Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.
      Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.

      o Real Programmers don't write in APL,
      unless the whole program can be written on one line.

      o Real Programmers don't write in LISP.
      Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.

      o Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any
      of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing
      is the crutch for people with weak minds.

      o Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.
      But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into
      working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

      o Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.
      If any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am,
      its because they were up all night.

      o Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which
      requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable.
      Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain
      should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

      o Real Programmers disdain structured programming.
      Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were
      permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully
      line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

      o Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept.
      Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.

      o Real Programmers never write memos on paper.
      They send memos via computer mail networks.

      o Real Programmers have no use for managers.
      Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with
      personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other
      mental defectives.

      o Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.
      The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are
      unable to "think big."

      o Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.
      They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts.
      Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

      o Real Programmers don't believe in schedules.
      Planners make up schedules.
      Managers "firm up" schedules.
      Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
      Real Programmers ignore schedules.

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